Recently I had opportunity to visit friends back home that I worked for over 35 years ago. The Vice President and his wife were gracious enough to have me in their home where we watched an hour long VHS movie he filmed all those years ago for an upcoming company picnic.
The video began on the roof of the boiler room panning the grounds. Seeing the old cars from up there was funny, I could pick out people's cars and was so surprised I could. Memories... I saw my own car and laughed. Watching him interview each person from the entire 3 plants was so funny and also sad. Seeing so many people my own age or not much older than me now gone, was so surreal and sad. It brought me to tears.
Then, there I was, on film. It was a feeling hard to describe, shocking for sure to suddenly see the me I was all those years ago standing there giggling, so shy trying to escape the camera, and finally being interviewed. Not once but twice! I thought of myself back then, how young and niave that girl was, inexperienced and misguided at times, trying so hard to find herself. The mistakes, the guilt, the disappointment to others, it all came flooding back at that moment. I saw the young woman I was, and I felt an overwhelming sense of compassion. I wanted to tell her, it will be ok, you are going to make it, and that I loved her. I thought of how hard I tried back then to be good, perfect actually, at everything, as a wife, mother, daughter, Christian - everything - yet I still experienced divorce, failure, heartache, extreme loss, and ultimately, depression. I thought, what happened I tried so hard??
I called my ex-husband on the way home and we laughed about the video and the people in it, including ourselves, yet neither of us had an answer to that question. In the end we both agreed, the past cannot be changed. Nor should it. One cannot know how different today might be -for better or worse- without every event unfolding as it did. I don't think anyone has the real answer to what happened anyway.
I released my past self and let her go finally.... with love and forgiveness.
The past......oh the past. I looked at myself in that clip and finally told that young, niave girl, "I forgive you and I love you. You made it!" I meant those words and said them aloud when I said goodbye to the past. I found a respect for myself that enabled me to see myself in a new way, one that helps instead of harms. I thought of all the extreme circumstances I have overcome in life, and where I stand now. I thought of the me I saw inside all those years, the me of the mistakes and I realize it was all part of my life that made me who I am today. I can forgive myself, the hardest person in the world to forgive. Now, instead of feeling I should have done better, I am feeling respect for my former self in light of the life I am blessed to now have.
Steve Jobs put it best when he said we cannot connect the dots looking forward, we can only connect the dots looking back and therefore must have faith the dots will connect in the future. I love that because it exemplifies every success I have ever experienced and how things always worked together for my own good, and always will.
There is an inner us that judges and is harsh, unforgiving, always trying to remind us of the negative past. That inner self taps our shoulder when there is a problem as if to say, "see....told you." Then through habitual thinking about past events, we build a self image we carry with us into every relationship, every job, every everything, and that is mostly negative. Try as we may, we cannot escape that constant tapping and then we try all sorts of things to escape...alcohol, medication, relationships, over working, just about anything to avoid what is really needed, facing the mirror.
Letting go, it's the only way. We cannot let go of what we refuse to look at and forgive. Are you struggling to let go of something in your past, something either you did or something someone else did? Does the past dictate who you are today? Look at your results, you will see how you truly feel about yourself. This is a good thing because therein lies the power to change everything. Find the courage to reach out and learn how to use the past to help you rather than harm.
We aren't meant to live suffering mentally, emotionally, physically, in lack, or stuck! We are here for a purpose! Let's find out together what that is for you and begin to live the best time in our lives, RIGHT NOW!! xoxoxo
