It will soon be 11 years since mom passed from pancreatic cancer, and as I reflect on that entire experience, I ask myself, should I have told her?
Recently I listened to a podcast by Ed Mylett, where he talked about how he spent the weekend before Kobe Bryant's death at a school event with Kobe. Their kids were in sports together, and it was the last time he saw Kobe and his daughter. He posed an interesting question: What if you only had a week left and you knew it? What would matter to you? Who would you want near?
It caused me to think of my mom because I insisted the doctor and family not tell her the cancer was back and she only had a few weeks to live. The 13 months beforehand when she was diagnosed and went through surgery were so difficult for her, and me. She chose not to have chemo and radiation and so knew her time was limited, but to tell her she had 6 to 8 weeks, I just could not do it.
My thinking process was the knowledge of her cancer was what really took her life joy and purpose, much faster than the cancer itself. I did not want her last few weeks to be riddled with fear and worry about dying, what would happen to her possessions, or her dog. I knew better than anyone how terrified she was of cancer and from dying. I wanted to protect her as best I could.
After watching the podcast, however, I thought would she have wanted to make things right with anyone had she known, or contacted anyone? No way to know now of course, but it caused me to ponder this heavily.
What would I do if I knew I had a limit on time left in my life? The obvious comes to mind, tying up loose ends, arranging finances and such. What about relationships that are on the rocks? Would I reach out to anyone and try to fix it, would they respond? Would I want someone TO respond knowing I was dying? I mean there is a certain feeling of if you do not want to see me while healthy, do not come now mindset.
Would I even want to know if I did have a week to live? Probably not in reality. The first thing that comes to mind is how news like that causes tremendous shock and denial then very strong worry and fear. I do not think I would want to spend my last days on earth freaking out, terrified, crying, in disbelief, and the entire array of emotions on the rollercoaster of a death sentence. This is probably a big reason why God doesn't allow us to see that day ahead of time, know when it will be, or see the future etc. Who could effectively function? What if you could know and found out it was coming in exactly one year? What good would it do in reality?
The point here and in Ed Mylett's podcast, is what really matters in life is where our focus needs to be, and not when illness and impending death comes. Love, peace, joy, forgiveness, giving, and being all we can every day is what really matters. I don't think anyone who is aware and gets toward the end will care about money, bills, possessions, success, what car they drive, the bank account, what the house is like, whether clothes are good enough, weight, wrinkles, on and on and on.
I am sure of a few things I would do. First, I would have a conversation with God and thank Him for the wonderful life I have lived, the difference I have made to others, the blessings He lended me while here, the grandkids and my children, the love I was able to share with other people, and the fact that I was loved by so many. Next, I think I would write a few letters, to my grandchildren to have later and tell them how wonderful I know they are and to remember to find ways to help others along the journey. I would write to my children and tell them how blessed I was to be their mother even though so far from perfect. I would write my best friend, more like a sister, Tina, and tell her how much she has meant to me all these years. Then I would write myself a letter, a letter of forgiveness and acceptance. I would tell myself it is all ok, everything worked out and that I forgive the younger versions of me that made so many mistakes.
Honestly after that, I would probably take my dogs and leave in my car and drive to the mountains in Albuquerque. I would make a list of everything I have to be grateful for and send love to everyone along the way knowing the rest will take care of itself.
This is what I do every day now, talk to God, write gratitude, and send letters and messages to people I care about, and I want to encourage you to do the same. Please don't wait for a life changing event to be grateful and send love to those around you. Pick up the phone, you are on it constantly anyway, call someone and tell them you love them, tell someone thank you for being part of your life today. If you are waiting for some reason to change, you never will. Change now, make a difference now, be the helping hand for someone now. It doesn't matter how much time we have left, what matters is what are we going to do today?
Now is all we really have. The past is an illusion only living in a person's memory and the future is another illusion that upon arrival becomes now. What are you doing now?
I'm here to help you find the way to upgrade your life, your results. You can do it! In truth, we all can. It is worth learning about yourself. No one else can do it for you. No one else is meant to. Find a way, reach out for help. Message me and I will show you how to get to the next and best level of you!!
Mom already knew, that is why she held my hand the last night I was with her as I laid down in her bed and then told me, "Jess, I know this is hard on you, but it will be ok, I love you."
xoxo
